A. Bridgen: a parliamentary speech on vaccines 🔏

What I have to say in this monologue in the highest chamber of the land for the next quarter of an hour will prove there’s a Conspiracy of silence on this issue.

I love a good debate, but there has been conclusive evidence from Dr Malhotra that mRNA vaccines must be banned.
There have been no official responses to the Doctor’s findings, despite widespread circulation in esteemed journals, including the Facebook Android app and Twitter Blue of which the Doctor is a recently accredited member ✔️

Oxys. I became aware of this narcotic while looking at a MiniSeries™️ of reports known as DopeSick.
Whilst taking the drugs myself, with the expert guidance of constituent James Vardy, I discovered a new Psychological phenomenon.. Wilful Blindness©️ which is an epidemic when it comes to the infectious Covid-19 vaccine.

1/2m Yellow Cards 🟨 have been ignored .
That’s like 250,000 red cards 🟥!
Even worse adjudication than the France match!
Myo-my yellow carditis is rife!

PfizerModernaBionicTech then followed people around (bit weird right?) and saw 800 of them enter Nando’s, where I’m told the chips (possibly the same ones as in the vaccine?!) from a good sauce: “Inflame the hearteries and cause inflammation 🔥”.
Peri uhh peri-peri carditis is real! 🇮🇱

So there WAS incidence of being infected by the vaccine. And incidents, I’m not sure which.
Anyway this one doctor was killed by the vaccine rapidly, 6 months after.
Undoubtedly the effects are serious [best Partridge eyebrow raise] and Common.

My attention was bought to this with YouTube ads.
As esteemed continental colleague Prof. Le Tissier would say: “Straight red for Big Pharma ref 🟥!” Yet the VAR (Vaccine Assistant Referee) still won’t blow his whistle!
Lots of influential people like uhh former Influencers have formally said this too. i newspaper reported on it.
As they’re the guardians of the mainstream media the report was critical, but still counts!

And the Lancet editor revealed that in the lab they’d actually just been sitting around flipping coins. Dark tails indeed..

a single cough rings around the chamber, empty except for 4 blokes echoing Bridgen’s thoughts
Silence on this issue is more contagious than the virus itself.

People have tried to warn the House. But the MNHA made them sign an NDA to stop a DNA test on the MRNA.
And if you don’t speak MNHA, in American dollars that’s a cool FDA.

But fear not, today I have spoken in this debate with myself. And I have proven beyond any doubt that mRNA vaccines, but frankly any and all vaccines, it just sounds cooler and more informed if I say the acronym, must be banned now.

And now my closing musical number. It’s a cappella as my violin’s too small to be heard in the chamber. It’s to the tune of “The Book of Mormon” by fearless Colorado documentarians Parker & Stone:
I believe! that Big Pharma created something adverse. I believe! The Sun’ll say I saved the planet with truth. And I believe! that in 1976 the government changed it’s swine vaccines.
I’m Andrew Bridgen… and a moron just believes!

(encore to the standing-ovation from the Twitter Blue benches)
I believe! that the Law’s got captured by George Soros. I believe! that the plan it was for me to get my own vaxxes, grrr. And I believe! that ancient dudes should vote what they see from America. I’m a right-wing Tory… and a moron just believes!!

Hi I’m Laurence Warner, and I’m the one “abridging the parliamentary speech on vaccines” by Andrew Bridgen in writing just there… cos well it didn’t look like Hansard was in the House while Mr. Bridgen was doing his talk last week. If someone has a link to a full transcript which won’t profit antivaxxers, I’ll link here, though you can probably see the full 20mins of angsty muddle-aged Englander having his big moment, bookended by a ‘free-thinking’ vlogger parroting him, by searching where Andrew Bridgen does for his opinions.

The topic of medicine regulation for youngsters is close to my heart, having survived a drug the NHS mistskenly bought from an American pharma company myself aged 11 (hear “6 Foot”).
And I don’t appreciate panicky state-overreach.
So I am truly glad that a cost-benefit analysis of vaccines (both for individuals and society as a whole) can be debated in-person in parliament.
However, I believe that freedom should be met with quality of speech, including clear statistics. My satire hopes to expose the lack of both in Bridgen’s speech.

I tried to focus on the 4 main issues pulled up by FullFact.
His combative hardline conclusion (‘ban all now’) rang increasingly hollow as he stumbled over pronouncing the medical neologisms & figures on the page in front of him, and resorted to conspiratorial cliches like a back-to-the-wall teenager, hardly surprising when you understand the naughty boy had just been let back into the chamber after a 5-day ban for breaching lobbying rules. In this speech he’s strangely silent on the harms of the virus (200k confirmed UK deaths - OWID. Hundreds of thousands of deaths, not yellow cards. Not single-figure tragedies from rare side-effects, two hundred-thousand tragedies) that vaccine risks should be weighed-up against, only using the word ‘infection’ to refer to the vaccine itself! Back in the early days, Bridgen was happy to shout about Covid-19’s infectiousness & harm when publicly-shaming Nadine Dorries (of all people) for failing to contact-trace. But it seems Bridgen’s the sort of lad that just likes to “think different” and play to the tweet seats, certainly when it comes to who his own party leader should be, having turned against the last 4.
His (uncharacteristically socialist) attack on the private pharma industry was actually pretty solid - which is why it’s largely absent from my parody - though Bridgen is clearly the wrong messenger on corrupt lobbying. Capitalism don’t care for patients and Gates foundation probs is too wealthy (at the devp conf I spoke on: only sponsor with their own private room, and overheard their staff bragging bout their fine cuisine at private event).

Overall, Bridgen’s performance may have been well-intentioned, but it’s done the cause of rational scepticism little benefit.
So let’s have a little laugh at the member shall we? We do pay them to put on the pantomime after all.
Maybe I’ll do my own parody performance at some point if he keeps providing material like this!
Wish you a merry, and hopefully flu & Covid free Christmas.